Coming Attractions: May 8

Here’s what’s coming out this weekend:

Hot Pursuit (Liz)

Uggghhhh. That’s literally the sound I made about halfway through this trailer. Holy shit does this movie look bad. Not funny at all, just painful. Any time you can dress Reese Witherspoon up like Justin Beiber, you have to do it, right? I mean that’s just high comedy. This movie actually looks so bad that there’s really not much more to say about it. It’s just bad.

In case you needed more proof that this movie suuuuuuuuuuucks, it got an RT score of 6%, totally rotten. This one’s a giant turd.

Maggie (Andy)

I would totally take Arnold in the Zombie Apocalypse™. Even 67 year old Arnold. Other actors I’d want in my Zombie Survival Camp: Jason Statham, I mean, the guy seems like he could actually kick as much ass as he does in his movies. Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans, they’re in superhero shape, so they can probably run fast and hit zombies in the head a lot. But, also look how much fun they’re having:

They were actually funny in this interview, not just movie star funny. If it’s the zombie apocalypse, there’s gonna be A LOT of downtime. I want the guys who sit in the back of the class cracking jokes in my camp. Also,

Chris Evans is totally coming back to save me if I get left behind. I’m tempted to say Chris Hemsworth as well because he’s gigantic, but he strikes me as a complete Aussie meathead. It would get pretty annoying, pretty quick.

Ironically, I would not want the guy who plays Rick in my Zombie Survival Camp. You may be able to kill the zombies with your bad acting on the show Rick, but that won’t work in real life. I also wouldn’t want Tom Cruise. One, he’s not fast. He’s really good at act-running where it looks like he’s running fast, but he’s not. Tiny legs. Two, he’d probably let all the zombies into the camp because he thought they were all thetans or some shit.

I dunno. I’m kinda in on this movie. I like old, gruff, stoic Arnold. Maybe he doesn’t talk all that much in this movie, which would be a plus. And zombies are cool. But while watching the trailer, I couldn’t help but think there’s a lot of “Walking Dead on the Farm snoozefest” happening for long swathes of this movie. And it turns out I might be right, because this movie only got 52% on the tomatometer. In fact, many of the reviews use phrases like, “moves more slowly than the ghouls,” “not much going on,” “a slog,” and “so slow there might be time for a catnap or two without missing anything important.” So, just like that, I’m out on this one. I could see it doing okay this weekend, opening in a few more theaters, and going away fairly soon.

D Train (Rhys)

Is a dude who’s in a sunscreen commercial really the coolest guy at your high school reunion? I mean I guess I’d be impressed. I don’t think he’d be all HEYSUPERCOOLGUY, though. It’s a commercial. I’m pretty sure I’d just give him the “Hmmm, that’s cool,” while I bobbed my head up and down slightly. Then I’d walk away. So I’d basically treat him like every single other person at my high school reunion. I definitely wouldn’t have sex with him though. That’s what happens, right? Jack Black has sex with Cyclops, right? It’s unclear… but also it’s not.

Reviews are from “so-so” to “bad,” with an RT score of 44% but I’ve actually seen ads for this movie around the interwebs (and maybe even the train?), so that’s a good sign. Jack Black looks like he’s doing Jack Black things, and people like that, so that could generate some dollars. Not a ton, but some.

5 Flights up (Danny)

Oh those hipsters! They ruin everything!!

Umm these people are selling a 2 bedroom in WIlliamsburg with a roofdeck? These motherfuckers would be rolling dough. That place is worth at least $1.5 million even if the roof was caving in. That shit has charm! Those hipsters would totally buy that place with their parents’ money and then grow jabuticaba on the roof. 

From the trailer, it looks like they pulled off exactly what this movie is supposed to be. It looks perfectly watchable. Diane Keaton’s “Good one!” line aside, it looks entertaining, heartwarming, and chuckle inducing. I will probably see this movie at some point in my life. It will be on a plane or a couch, but I’d bet I’ll see it at some point. It gets an RT score of 67%, which makes me think this one’s going to be around for a while.

Hunting Elephants (Sean)

The main source of comedy of this movie is “Oh aren’t old people funny?!” That’s not gonna cut it. With an RT score of 33%, this one’s a stinker.

 

Weekend Prediction:

Avengers doubles up and wins again. Hot Pursuit goes down the toilet. D Train > Maggie > 5 Flights Up > Hunting Elephants, but all 4 combined don’t even total $2 million.

Enjoy the weekend!