Wow. You know, when you’re wrong about something, sometimes you just have to suck it up, and admit that you’re wrong. Or, you can ignore the fact that you were wrong, stick to your guns, dig in, and throw out even more hate. Guess which way I want to go!

 

I am shocked, SHOCKED by how well Jurassic World did this weekend. The only people I knew who wanted to see this movie were Andy and Tanya. That’s not saying much since Tanya owns it and Andy has notoriously bad taste in movies. Yeah Andy, you throw everyone off your scent by liking all those old-time classics, but I know that your favorite movie is Heavyweights, you think Ocean’s Twelve 12 is the best one of the three, and loved Jurassic Park III. Your movie opinions are invalid.

I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Jurassic World had the most successful opening weekend ever. It set the record for opening weekend gross both domesticly and worldwide with $208 and $524 million, respectively. Let’s just take a second. This movie made a HALF BILLION DOLLARS this weekend.

But I promised you shade throwing, and I’ve been in the bullpen warming up, so here goes: How did a movie with only warm to lukewarmly reviews do so well? Well for one, it cheated. 48% of movie-goers saw the movie in 3D, that’s like 3 or 4 extra bucks per ticket right there. The movie also set “high water mark” for IMAX and PLF (Premium Large Format screens. Did you know this was a thing?). So, basically, every ticket for this movie was 30-50% more expensive than it should’ve been. This whole competition is a farce!

Jurassic World also had zero competition with no other major opening this weekend. The result was it pulled in over 70% of the total box office money this weekend. SIGH!

Coming in second this weekend, not that it matters, was Spy, with a very much not-record-setting $15 million. It’s actually a pretty decent 46% drop and brings its 2 week total up to $56 million. $100 million feels a little too difficult to reach at this point, however.

In third place in the box office, in its third week (nice little symmetry there), San Andreas grabbed another $10 million, bringing its total to $119 million. Chris Pratt > The Rock. It’s official.

Insidious: Chapter 3 (👻) fell an incredible 68% (😧), pulling in only $7 million (🙅💸) in its second (✌) week. This brings its total to $37 million (💩).

Entourage brought in $4 million in its second weekend, which makes its total up to $25 million. With Jurassic World ready for week 2, I doubt this makes $40 million.

Love & Mercy brought in $1.6 million which is not too shabby considering its only 573 theaters. It’s now brought in more than $4 million in just two weeks. Good vibrations man.

Me, Earl and the Dying Girl opened to a strong $13k per theater average. Not as good as the $48k per theater average Jurassic World had, but still pretty strong. The only problem is you have to multiply $13k by just 15 theaters. That’s $196k, for all you multiplication heads out there.

In the piece of crap division:

• The “I think that might be human shit on the street” bronze medal: Tomorrowland took in $3 million in its 4th and final week. It’ll be retired this weekend with a “meh” $83 million.
• The “turd in the punch bowl” silver medal: Poltergeist made an awful $689k in its 4th weekend. It, too, will be retired this weekend, totaling only $46 million.
• But the “upper-decker” gold medal goes to: Aloha which also didn’t even manage $1 million this weekend, but this is only its third weekend. Aloha has only made $19 million so far, and there’s no chance it even gets to $25 million. Congratulations, you truly are the biggest piece of shit of them all.

Scoreboard

1. Danielle – $422 million (2 playing, 1 done, 4 left)
2. Tanya – $324 million (2 playing, 5 left)
3. Danny – $281 (3 playing, 1 done, 3 left)
4. Liz – $213 million (2 playing, 2 done, 3 left)
5. Andy – $87 million (1 playing, 2 done, 4 left)
6. Rhys – $68 million (1 playing, 1 done, 4 left)
7. Sean – $40 million (1 playing, 6 left)
8. Jenny – $271k (1 playing, 6 left)

Tanya has gone from 5th to 2nd in one fell swoop and is less than $100 million behind Danielle. That’ll definitely change by the end of next weekend too. Well, I guess it’s nice to lose to someone else besides Danielle for a change.

Coming Attractions

Inside Out (Rhys)

Man this looks so good I couldn’t even wait until after I’d written my usual 2 paragraphs of almost funny crap to see its Rotten Tomato score. And it was confirmed, this movie is fantastic with a score of 99%! I knew it! You know how I could tell? I got a little dusty while watching the trailer. Tear don’t lie, man.

Predictions are that Inside Out could do well this weekend, but will still lose to Jurassic World. Even if Jurassic World falls 59% (which is what Avengers: Age of Ultron fell) it’ll still make $85 million. If there were nothing else playing, Inside Out would definitely make $100 million, but there are just not enough dinobucks to go around. Because of course everyone goes to see the dumb but decent movie about dinosaurs and not the heartfelt, intelligent, and completely original cartoon. However, they’re still saying could be one of the largest grossing openings of a movie which opens in second place. Did that make sense? The one of the best number 2 ever.

Everyone go see Inside Out! No need to see Jurassic World, you’re not missing anything. See the funny animated movie. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. It’s Pixar, so you’ll cry again. Then you’ll laugh while you’re crying. (It’s true! Amy Poehler said so.) Bring your kids! One at a time! Bring your fat friend who has to buy two tickets! Come on!!

Dope (Jenny)

This movie looks good enough, I guess. And it is, getting 88% on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s got the guy with the hair from Workaholics, and I love that dude. And Zoe Kravitz… is Lenny Kravitz daughter. Oh and hey look, its A$AP Rocky. I don’t know anyone else in this movie.

It’s funny, I saw the crazy patterns and high-top fades and thought this was a movie that takes place in the 80s. I was getting ready for a soundtrack right in my wheelhouse. Some Eric B & Rakim. Some Run-DMC. A little Lady’s Love Cool James. But nope. That’s how kids dress nowadays. I’m confused. Didn’t we all look at ourselves with the bright colors and crazy patterns and go, what the fuck were we wearing? And we’re bringing it back? I blame Kanye. Oh, hang on a second. I need to go yell at some kids to get off my lawn.

I don’t think I’m aloud to see this movie. Well not in public. There’s a lot of N-word jokes in here. I don’t think I can go to the Magic Johnson AMC on 125th and Frederick Douglass Blvd and laugh at N-word jokes, no matter how well written and racially neutral they are. I don’t think I can. Speaking of white people, I looked to see how my man, Willy the Waffle felt about this movie and it turns out he didn’t review it. I’m guessing he’s more nervous than I am. I mean that guy was on C-SPAN! Or there wasn’t enough money in the CW 50 budget to let him review more than one movie per week.

Prediction:

1. Jurassic World – $85 million
2. Inside Out – $76 million

Additional prediction: I will see these results and cry. Then I will see Inside Out and cry again.

Have a great weekend.