It’s going to be an abridged post this week as I’ve been way too busy this week with 4th of July, work, my brother being in town and getting ready to move. Not much of a recap, but I will let you know The Legend of Tarzan made $46 million last weekend! That’s basically double its estimated $23 million. This made Tarzan this week’s best performer.

Perfect Cineplex

The Legend of Tarzan* ($46.6M) x2 / Central Intelligence ($15.4M) / Free State of Jones ($5.3M) / Captain America: Civil War ($950k) x4 = $126,677,338

*Best Performer of the Weekend = 2M bonus

Coming Attractions

No time for an intro, but just enough time for what’s coming out this weekend…

The Secret Life of Pets ($826)

I’ve been watching trailers and commercials for this movie for months (seriously, they advertised this thing in the first round of the NBA playoffs, which was April!) and I kept thinking it was going to be terrible. The reason being that it didn’t look like it had a plot. It looked like it was just stringing together lots of funny gags about the silly things animals do at home. Dainty poodle enjoys metal music. Weiner Dog uses mixer to scratch belly. Cat acts like asshole. That one’s funny because it’s no change from what they always do. It reminded me a lot of Minions, which shouldn’t be a surprise this movie is done by the same production house Illumination, where they were like, “Lets just take cute characters, start animating and figure out the story as we go.”

So I was thinking to myself, this movie has no plot, at least a movie like Finding Nemo had the plot of, “We need to find Nemo.” I then watched this trailer. This movie has the plot of Finding Nemo. So, it’s going to make a billion dollars. Literally. This movie has everything you need to make a billion dollars: Animation, talking animals, the fact that it’s pretty good (it scores about 76%), and of course, the biggest moneymaker around, Kevin Hart. Millions of children will go see this over and over and over again. Then they will go see The Secret Life of Pets 2 and 3 over and over and over again. This movie has now become a permanent part of our lives. Get ready to see these three faces on backpacks and small T-shirts for a very long time:

Estimates for this movie are very good. Box Office Mojo has it around $85 million, where Box Office Pro has it at a more conservative, yet still impressive $79 million. Also, Fandango is reporting presales are actually higher than Finding Dory. Let’s hear from their PR department:

” ‘The Secret Life of Pets’ tops Fandango’sFanticipation movie buzz indicator this week with an off-the-leash 94 points out of 100 points, and rules Fandango’s weekend ticket sales. “

God, I love that it’s someone’s actual job to sit there and write that bullshit to then deliver to news organizations.

Anyway, estimates of $82 million with a price of $826 gives us an estimated average of $99k per bux. That’s good, but it might not be good enough to use up more than 80% of your budget with one movie. Remember Finding Dory broke records with a $135 million opening weekend, and made $152k per Bux, but it still wasn’t the right play that weekend.

Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates ($157)

This movie looks wicked dumb… and I kinda want to see it. Like not spend $15 to see it. But when one of your friends brings it over on DVD because they saw it on sale at Walmart, I’m definitely all in for that.

And guess what? It is wicked dumb. It comes in around 47%. Reviews include phrases like “barely coherent,” “occasionally funny,” “surprise-free,” “deliriously dirty,” “a temper tantrum of a comedy,” “cheap laziness,” and my favorite, and maybe most damning, “brotastic.”

Quickly, why is Adam DeVine the preferred Workaholic? He’s not even the funniest one. And here’s my hot take: the funniest Workaholic is Anders. But still, Blake should be getting bit parts in basically every movie. Especially dirty comedies like this.

Estimates are in the $10 million range, and with a cost of $157 Bux, that puts it’s estimates average at around $64k per Bux. Do not bring this movie as your date to… this pun has nowhere to go, sorry. Don’t pick this movie.

Our Kind of Traitor ($12)

This came out last weekend, but wasn’t available. It only showed in 373 theaters and made $1.2 million. That’s better than a previous John Le Carre adaption, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, which opened to $310k in 4 theaters. This one is pretty good, scoring 68%. Let’s just say this makes a million, that averages out to about $83k per Bux. Not the best, but might be a good filler if you do go with the big guns like Pets.

Swiss Army Man ($12)

This looks like the weirdest, craziest, strangest movie ever. And in that vain, this movie won the award for best director at Sundance, while prompting people to walk out in the middle of it. To which I say, if you’re offended by a farting corpse and don’t think it’s hilarious, you, sir or ma’am, are taking yourself WAAAAAY to seriously.

This movie came out last weekend too, but wasn’t available for lineups. It made $1.6 million in 636 theaters. Again, if you’re looking for a filler movie, this could be a good choice, probably better than Our Kind of Traitor. I’ll probably grab it, just because farts are always funny.