I went camping this weekend. I haven’t been camping in a very long time, and it was a lot more fun than I remember it. The last time I went camping, truly camping, I think I was in high school. Lemme tell you, it’s WAY more fun when you can drive a car into the campground, park it and be like “commence camping!” I’m used to carrying all my gear on my back for like 8 miles everyday, then setting all that shit up, lighting a fire so we can cook some instant potatoes over it. Mmmm Mmmm! Now, there is a time and a place for that kind of badass camping, but since I don’t own a knife, I’m going to steer clear from it. Also, badass camping might have to go on the Murtaugh List, as I am too old for that shit. So, here now are my completely half baked rules for camping as an adult:
Bring Beer. There’s a reason when you go camping as a kid that you tell ghost stories. It’s not because their fun. It’s because you’re not drinking. As I’ve said before drinking improves anywhere from 37-48% when you’re outdoors. And when you’re camping, you’re outdoors ALL THE TIME. Nothing but delicious beer! Plus that goes up by another 5-6% when you’re drinking a nice, cold beer in sitting around a fire. Drinking while camping is great. I may need to update my Experience Beer Power Rankings.
Don’t skimp on gear. Have you ever slept on the ground? It’s the worst. Newsflash: The ground is really fucking hard. Make sure you have a pad to sleep on. Whatever replacement you think that will “be enough,” it won’t be. Buy the shit that’s designed to do the thing you need it to do. Same with sleeping bags. Although, I kind of hate sleeping bags, since I run hot and they make me sweat more throughout the night than if I was having nightmares about getting chased by giant chainsaw-wielding cockroaches wearing Jets jerseys, but it turns out it’s good to have insulation when you’re outdoors all night. Also gear is way better now. I’d gotten used to tents with metal poles that didn’t fit anywhere near the amount of people the label said it did. Now tents have lightweight, carbon fiber poles and are actually spacious. It’s quite nice. Also, “Did you know they have the world wide web on phones now?!”
If you know someone with better gear than you, go with that person. This one is optional, but will make your camping experience way better. I went with a guy who had a hatchet. We didn’t use it, but man, I knew I was in good hands that weekend. Sure, you don’t need the gazebo with surrounding mosquito netting, but it’s pretty dope to have one.
Bring your dog. We were up in the air about bringing Ollie. We thought he might get annoying or not allow us to do certain things. It turns out, having him around was awesome. He. Was. SUPED! You know what Ollie loves? The outdoors. You know where we were for almost 3 days straight? The outdoors. He couldn’t get enough of it. Of everything. Imagine if you had a friend who was just really upbeat and funny and generally fun to be around. That person would be pretty fun to camp with right? Now, imagine if they were all fluffy and had a super cute face! The best!
Look how happy this guy was:
Quick story: Ollie spent the whole day running around, sniffing stuff and generally being excited. He then spent the evening going from person to person pimping himself out for pets while we sat around the campfire. After dinner and a few beers, I got up to walk towards the tent. Ollie ran over and sat right outside the tent. When I unzipped the door, he jumped inside and laid down in the middle of the tent. He’d been so excited all day, that he tuckered himself out and then put himself to bed. Totes adorbs.
Get more ice than you need. You’ll always use it. I feel like this should be a general rule in life. If I ever have kids, this will be the life lesson I impart on them. Nothing would make me prouder than 20-odd years from now, at some keg party at Curry College, someone goes “We’ve run out of ice!” And my child gets down from a keg stand and responds, “Don’t worry, I bought extra bags.”
Try not to use your phone. Instagram will be there when you get back. So you can put your phone away. You will need it to get to and from the campsite, because ironically I’ve forgotten how to use a map because I’m so used to looking at the map on my phone. A solid camping Spotify playlist will come in handy, too. I guess the flashlight is really convenient. Also, texting people is important when you’re trying to meet up with each other. You’ll also want to take pictures of your adorable dog running around the campground. And you should feel free to Google things like, how long to grill steaks or what is in doggie ice cream cones. Okay, what I’m trying to say is, charging your phone is really difficult in the woods.
I guess that’s it. Beer, Gear, Dog, Ice. Perfect camping trip!
Danny won his second weekend with grabbing SLOP ($29.6M) twice, Tarzan ($6.6M), Nemo ($7.2M), The Purge ($2.4M) and The Shallows ($638k) twice, for a total of $83.9M. Last week’s best performer? Absolutely Fabulous! Which I’m pretty sure you did not know was a movie this summer. It made $103.4k per Bux from just $1.8M.
Lights Out ($21.7M) x4 / Mike & Dave ($4.4M) / Absolutely Fabulous* ($1.8M) x 3 = $107,721,051
*Best Performer of the Weekend = 2M bonus, Perfect Cineplex receives a $5M bonus
Most movies this weekend come in at the line between fresh and rotten. But who cares! Jason Bourne is back to beat up bad guys with a spatula!
Jason Bourne ($767)
Bourne is back! Again! After that other time he was back! And then there was that time he wasn’t back and they tried to make Renner a thing. But now he’s back!
I love the Bourne movies. They’re dope. I couldn’t tell you the plot of any of them at all. Besides the general, “He’s a government hitman with amnesia, and he’s going after the people who made him” but I couldn’t actually tell you what any of the specifics are. But gimme Matt Damon is running around Budapest and beating the shit out of a guy with a phonebook and I’m in!
Also, I think Jason Bourne may have a point. Has there ever been a more poorly run agency than Treadstone? Across these movies, they’ve gone through Chris Cooper, Brian Cox, David Strathairn, Ed Norton and now Tommy Lee Jones. That’s 5 directors in 14 years! That’s some incompetence right there.
This movie is not nearly as good as it’s predecessors. The first 3 Matt Damon-Bourne movies averaged 83% on the Tomatometer. Jason Bourne is currently sitting at 55%. Those three movies have averaged almost $50 million in their first weekend, each making at least $15 million more than the previous. Predictions have this movie taking a step forward from Damon-less Bourne movies (Legacy made $38 million) but a step back from Ultimatum (the third Bourne movie, which opened to $69 million), pulling in somewhere between $51-$54 million. It’s $767 makes it a bit steep, averaging $68k per Bux. Unless you think it’s going to dominate the weekend, you may not be Bourne this way.
Bad Moms ($251)
So this looks incredibly stupid. But it looks like it has the potential to be funny. It’s sitting in that high 50s-low 60s range that stupid comedies like this (Old School, Step Brothers) have gotten. Which makes me think as long as a comedy isn’t in the totally rotten range, it’ll probably be good, or at least funny. Did you know The Hangover (whose writers also wrote this movie) got 79%? It’s not that I thought the movie was bad, I just didn’t think critics would love it so much.
Predictions for this movie are in the $25-$27 million range. At $251 FML Bux, that averages out to $103k per Bux, which is pretty good! This might not be such a bad pick!
The fuck?! I understand why they do the dares like “Kiss a stranger” and “Steal that toaster” but why are they like, “Well, my cellphone tells me I need to shoot my friend in the face, so I may as well do it. Shoulder shrug emoji!” Why can’t they just stop playing this game. I understand getting caught up in a game, but once it gets dangerous, you should probably stop. OH! This movie is an allegory for Pokémon. Got it! That shit is deep.
This movie also comes in at that 55-60% range, currently sitting at 59%. This is the first I’ve heard of this movie and am I supposed to know who Emma Roberts is? Anyway, mediocre reviews plus kinda-zero buzz gives this one a predicted opening of only $12 million opening. That said, this one is so cheap at $84, it’s predicted to average $142k per Bux. I dare you to take it!
Captain Fantastic ($19)
Viggo!! Where you been my dude?! I haven’t seen you since you saved the world from orcs and murked all those Russian mobsters. Good to have you back. Man, in 2003 I thought this guy was gonna be the next superduperstar. Oh well, I’m sure he’s happy.
This movie is apparently very good, being Certified Fresh at 78%. This movie came out a few weeks ago and has gown in theaters from 4 to 36 to 104, and ended up making $1.1 million last weekend. It’s super cheap at $19 FML Bux, so if it improves at all, let’s say $1.5 million that would average $79k per Bux. It could be a fantastic way to fill out your lineup at the end.