Hi there! Sorry I missed last week but I was having too much fun watching fireworks through the viewfinder of someone else’s phone. Don’t worry though, the pictures came out really well. Not dark at all. Almost better than just watching them in person.
I also had a tough time writing a post because things have quickly become a bit dull. Jurassic World ($554 million) and Inside Out ($224 million) continue to dominate weekends making just about the same amount. Last weekend they each made around $50 million, this weekend they each made $29 million.
Jurassic World has finally reached week 4, meaning we no longer have to worry about it. We can retire it with over $550 million. That’s a massive amount of money, meaning we do have to worry about it. We’re going to have to worry about Jurassic World for the rest of the summer. It’s giant, made-up-dinosaur sized shadow will hang over the rest of the season.
All the openers over the past two weekends have been underwhelming. Ted 2 ($62 million total) opened to just $33 million. Terminator Genisys ($42MM) opened to $27 million. Magic Mike XXL ($27MM) to just $12 million. Max ($29MM) wasn’t expected to open to much, but still only made $12 million, as well.
I’m surprised Terminator wasn’t widely successful. I mean this movie followed the same formula as Jurassic World, right? They rebooted a beloved franchise that didn’t need rebooting. They did it with a plot that looks dumb and unnecessary. They brought in a star that everyone loves with khaleesi. And then to top it off they added dinosaurs with Arnold. (That sound you hear, is me high-fiving myself. Never underestimate the dad joke, my friends.)
The one thing I didn’t get about watching the trailer for Terminator Genisys is all the terminators in this movie. Arnold is obviously a terminator in this movie. And then there’s also the puddle of metal morphy guy terminator. But then apparently John Connor is also some kind of weird new terminator. And then on top of all that, Arnold is another terminator too! That makes 4! Why are there even people in this movie? Maybe it should’ve just been an army of Arnolds on one side and an army of the metal skeleton terminators on the other. Call it Terminator War. The more I think about it, I think that would’ve made a lot more money last weekend.
Remember a couple weeks ago when I pronounced that women are officially a thing? Well, it turns out they may not be enough of a thing. The audience for Magic Mike XXL was 96% women! That’s just silly. I wouldn’t have been surprised by 75%, or even 80%, but 96% of the audience being women is ridiculous. That’s like one dude per theater. (It did make for a funny hashtag though.)
You know how they could’ve brought some more people in this weekend? Channing Tatum, you may be good with the Pony dance, but I know how to bring it to another level:
Like you wouldn’t watch Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello dressed up as a two-man horse. Look, ladies love the two-man horse.
As do the fellas!
Magic Mike: Pony coming summer 2017!
- Tanya – $667 million (1 playing, 2 done, 4 left)
- Danielle – $423 million (3 done, 4 left)
- Rhys – $361 million (1 playing, 2 done, 3 left)
- Danny – $325 million (1 playing, 4 done, 2 left)
- Liz – $250 million (1 playing, 4 done, 2 left)
- Sean – $102 million (1 playing, 1 done, 6 left)
- Andy – $90 million (2 done, 2 playing, 3 left)
- Jenny – $19 million (2 playing, 5 left)
What up third place!!
This weekend’s slate is pretty bad in terms of reviews. Let’s go in order of least bad to very, very bad.
Somehow they’ve stretched a plot around cute but very dumb, yellow things that don’t really speak English, but this movie is basically, THE MINIONS ARE FUNNY!! LOOK AT THEM FOR 2 HOURS! And people will. This movie is going to win the weekend. It could be totally stupid (and apparently it is! It got 54% on Rotten Tomatoes.) and parents are going to bring their kids to see this movie in droves. Have you seen how many kids wear Minions shirts and backpacks? Have you seen how many people play that Minions runner game? No no no, not Subway Surfers. Oh, and not Temple Run either. Minions Rush! Yeah, that’s the one. Update: I just saw a kid eating an ice cream bar in the shape of a minion.
So yeah, people want to see the minions run around and smash into things and laugh at each other and blow stuff up accidentally. The 3 Stooges, basically. It’ll always be funny. I don’t think it makes $100 million since Inside Out, which scored very well with critics, didn’t even break $100 million. Also, Despicable Me 2 opened to $83 million, over July 4th weekend. Even though its not very good, the popularity alone will make more than $50.
Poor, poor Ryan Reynolds. The guy has so much comedic charisma, but is in some shitty, shitty movies. I’m going to continue to hold my Ryan Reynolds stock until the Deadpool movie comes out, but if that fails, he’s gotta find himself a show on Showtime or something.
Oh and this movie looks bad. 21% on the Tomatometer. Turd Sandwich.
The Gallows (Rhys)
Did you see how scared everyone in the theater was?!? Oh man, this movie is gonna be great. Huge hit! Scariest movie of all time! Or a piece of shit that only managed 17% on Rotten Tomatoes that seems to be not scary at all. Yeah, probably that.
The good thing is, terrible movies mean fun to read reviews:
No effort? Even the character names are lazy? This is actually true. An actor named Reese plays a character named Reese, Pfiefer Brown plays Pfiefer Ross, and Ryan Shoos plays… Ryan Shoos. So, yes. Very, very lazy.
This sounds like the worst combination ever. Oh wait.
Not one thing? Did you know that co-writer/director Travis Cluff was a contestant in season 2 of Wipeout (“Super Shorts”) and won?
I had to look up inanity. But context clues told me it meant “bad.”
- Minions – $56 million
- Inside Out – $21 million
- Jurassic World – $20 million
- Terminator Genisys – $14 million
- Magic Mike XXL – $12 million
- The Gallows – $9 million
- Self/Less – $8 million
- Ted 2 – $6 million