Holy hell! We’ve got a lot coming out this weekend. 5 movies are being released, plus we’ve got a Ryan Gosling release so we’ve got to talk about that. In fact let’s get through that quickly, then move on to the rest of this weekend’s new releases.

Only God Forgives (Nobody)

Turns out it was a good thing no one picked this movie (What’s that? No one picked it because I accidentally didn’t put it on the draft sheet? Shhhhhhh!). It’s not very good. Rotten Tomatoes has it at only 33%. MetaCritic scored it a 37 with 15 of the 31 reviews being negative. It was also booed at its Cannes premier. And after quickly scanning the reviews, the negativity does not even seem to just be aimed at the brutal violence (and if this thing is more brutal than Drive, which by the trailer, it looks like it is, its pretty damn brutal) but for the incredibly slow pacing and disjointedness of the movie. Even though any press is good press, it’s only opening in a small amount of theaters, so I don’t see this being that successful.

Red 2 – D-Money (Danielle)

I don’t really know what to say about this movie. I had no real interest in seeing the first one and don’t really have any interest to see this one, as well. It actually looks like a pretty fun movie full of one-liners and stuff blowing up, but I’ll wait till my next flight to see it.

Whether it looks like fun or not, it’s not very good. Rotten Tomatoes has it at 36% and MetaCritic gave it a 46 with the majority being mixed. This sounds like trouble, because one of the reasons the first one was so successful was that it was actually good (72%).

It’s actually interesting because the first one only made $90 million, which was only considered a success because it cost $58 million to make, but doesn’t scream “Turn this into a franchise, STAT!!!!” It did make another $100 million worldwide, which feels like the real reason their making a sequel. Did you notice the asian guy? Just sayin’

Turbo – Anna’s Team

It’s the movie we’ve been waiting for all summer. “A snail cannot race in a competition meant for cars!” This movie looks so stupid. But reviews are good (Rotten Tomatoes is at 67% with top critics at 76% and MetaCritic scored it a 59 but 16 of the 25 reviews are positive) and honestly that doesn’t surprise me. Studios are so good at making these animated movies now that they can take any kinda dumb premise and make it good. And, as we’ve learned this summer, it’s totally going to make at least $100 million. That’s what animated movies do. So what if Ryan Reynolds and Snoop Lion are attached? Remember Ice Age 4 made $161 million and that had Drake in it.

Prediction: This wins the weekend with… $45 million. Goes on to make $160 million.

R.I.P.D. – Andy’s Team

Has anyone else noticed that R.I.P.D. is basically Men in Black? Even down to their acronym titles. You have the rookie ex-cop, upstart played by the action star who’s good with the quip and the surly, old veteran who won an Academy Award. You have the secret protection agency who blows up aliens/ghosts posing as humans with ridiculous looking, big guns. Right? It’s like the same movie.

I’ve heard a hypothesis that this movie will be (somewhat) successful because there are enough fans of “The Dude” that they will go see any and every Jeff Bridges movie. I’m a bit sceptical however. This movie is so terrible that the stoner, Dude fans will wait for Netflix.

How terrible is it? Glad you asked. Rotten Tomatoes is at 12%, with no consensus yet. Meaning: the movie was so bad that they didn’t have prescreenings for critics because they would poop all over it and dissuade people from seeing it. Although with only 12% from 18 reviews, I’m pretty sure Rotten Tomatoes would not be going out on a limb by saying it’s “rotten”. MetaCritic doesn’t fare any better, with a score of 16 and all 6 of the reviews are negative.

What is up with Ryan Reynolds? I mean he seems like a (ahem, very fit), handsome man who can make a very good quip here and there. Why is he not an action star? Why has America rejected him?

Prediction: Flopposaurus Rex time. $18 million opening. $70 million total.

The Conjuring – T-Boz (Tanya)

I am totally okay with never seeing this movie. I think it says something that I watched this trailer and thought “oh there’s totally going to be a scary thing in that corner over there where there wasn’t one before” and then there was, and it still scared the crap out of me. Maybe that thing that it says is: This movie is actually good. And it is: Rotten Tomatoes has it “Certified Fresh” at 83% and MetaCritic scored it a 68 with 25 positive reviews only 1 negative review. I’m gonna move on before I get too scared. Thankfully I wrote this when the sun was out.

BTW one time, I almost wrote a letter to Hulu because I was home alone late at night and watching New Girl or something and they showed a commercial for a horror movie that scared the crap out of me. I was pissed. I do not expect to be freaked out while watching New Girl. In related news, I’m a giant weeny.

Prediction: If Turbo doesn’t win the weekend, this does. It does really well regardless. $35 million opening. $100 million total.

Girl Most Likely – Anna’s Team

It’s too bad. Kristen Wiig is great, but even she can’t save this one. It’s pretty bad. Rotten Tomatoes is at only 14%, with top critics even lower. MetaCritic is at 34 with only 1 positive review. I kinda think this one is doomed. It’s a small movie that’s bad, in a weekend filled with bad movies. No one’s going to go see this. Even if you put Icona Pop in the trailer.

Prediction: This one struggles to make a million.

Whew! That was a lot. I’m sweating. No, wait. That’s just the oppressive heat.

Enjoy the weekend.



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