Rule 1: Watch Independence Day at least once. Independence Day is now on HBO GO. Watch it this weekend and remember just how fucking great that movie is. It’s also the perfect movie for this type of weekend. Put it on in the background while you put together the pasta salad. Feel free to leave the room to go put ice in the cooler, when you come back there will still be one more national monument yet to be blown up. Last year, AMC marathoned that shit all day, on repeat. Unfortunately, they’re not doing that again this year, and are instead showing a marathon of Jaws and Jaws 2. Which leads me too…
Rule 2: Watch Jaws, at least once. Blake Lively’s got nothing on this guy:
Rule 3: Drink a beer outdoors. It’s scientifically proven that beer tastes 37-48% better when drank outside.
Rule 4: Spend time outdoors. I know Rule 1 & 2 just advocated for watching TV, but July 4th is meant to be spent outside. It’s going to be hot as balls a lot of the time, so there will be a time when you need spend a few precious hours in the A/C watching Vivica A. Fox save a dog from an explosion inside that tunnel. But until that time, go to the beach, a park, a Bar-B-Que, a porch, a roof deck, a pool, a beer garden, anything. It’s July 4th, you should spend the weekend sweating your ass off and smelling almost like BO, just like our forefathers did.
Rule 5: Go to a Bar-B-Que. There is nothing better cooking meat on a fire. It’s basically the first things we learned to do as humans. Before toilet paper, before clothes, hell, before talking, there was putting meat on the fire and then eating it.
Rule 6: Don’t take pictures of fireworks. Just stop it. You’re blocking everyone else’s view. You’re phone camera is not that good. The pictures are not going to come out. And if by some miracle they do come out halfway-decent, you’re never going to look at them. Are you really going to go back 3 years from now and go “Oh look, this is a picture of those blurry streaks of white on an all black background. Such good memories.”? No. No, you are not. God help the other people you show those pictures too.
Instead, watch the fireworks like a normal person. Experience them. Take it all in. There will always be that one firework that catches you off-guard, either it’s fucking HUGE or there’s that big BOOM that comes when you’re not expecting it. You don’t want to be looking at your phone when that happens. If you want pretty pictures of fireworks just Google it. Here, look, there’s tons of ’em:
Those look better than anything you could every hope to get with your iPhone. So put it away.
Rule 7: Give yourself a soundtrack. When you’re outside at the beach, or the park, or a Bar-B-Que, or a porch, or a roof deck, or a pool, or a beer garden, and your drinking that beer, music will make that experience all the better. It’s been scientifically proven that music will improve your outdoor chilling experience by 42-56%. Suggestions include: Pandora’s “Hip Hop BBQ” station, Spotify’s “Beach Vibes” playlist, your own custom playlist that obviously includes Tom Petty, Prince, and Snoop Dogg, or just Chance the Rapper’s Coloring Book on repeat over and over and over again.
Rule 8: You don’t have to drink shitty beer. Look, I know Budweiser put “America” on the goddamn can, but don’t drink that shit. I drank one two years ago, because “Fuck it, it’s 4th of July, and the can is basically an American flag.” Well, it tasted like Ollie pissed on said American flag and then someone rang it out into a glass. There are so many good beers out there, and so many of them are great for drinking in the summer. There are session IPAs, pilsners, radlers, shandys, wheat beers, goses and more. If you’re looking for some suggestions, here’s a list compiled by a guy I’ve met like twice. There are so many different types of beers and they all taste different and not at all like shit. And guess what? They still fuck you up! So, why not drink something delicious that ALSO gets you drunk .
Rule 9: Be subtle about your love for ‘Merica. Look, nobody needs to be wearing anything close to this (on sale for JUST $29.99!!). No American flag shirts, no american flag bandannas, no American flag skirts, especially no American Flag tank tops. These things make you look like a douchebag, so just don’t. Unless you’re 19, and then of course, you’re most definitely a douchebag. An American flag bathing suit is maybe the only article of clothing that could be okay. As long as you’re at the beach. And 45.
Okay, maybe this okay.
Rule 10: Drink a fruity cocktail. Preferably with a ton of ice in it.
Rule 11: Don’t set off fireworks. Leave that shit to the professionals. And not the professional football players:
Have fun this 4th of July and be safe!
Tanya won the weekend with a perfect lineup. She took my advice and took Blake Lively’s shark-fighting fake boobs 7 times, then filled out the one remaining slot with The Conjuring 2 ($7.7M). The Shallows made $16.7M this weekend which was enough to be the weekend’s best performer at $133K per Bux. Tanya played the best performer ($2M) 7 times and also had the perfect lineup ($5M), meaning this week she received an extra $19M in bonuses.
I came in second, opting for Central Intelligence ($18.2M) and Now You See Me 2 ($5.6M) in my non-shark infested slots. Andy played a combination of Central Intelligence (x2), The Shallows (x3), The Conjuring 2 (x2) and Now You See Me 2, which was enough to earn him 3rd place. No one else played The Shallows, except Danielle who went with an undersea theme this weekend playing only Finding Dory ($73M) and The Shallows once. I’m going to send Danielle a text at 6:30am on Friday to tell her to set her lineup. Sean also played The Shallows, but only once. And also went with the Civil War drama, Free State of Jones ($7.6M), because of course he did.
The Shallows* ($7.7M) x 7 / The Conjuring 2 ($5M) = $144,308,270
*Best Performer of the Weekend = 2M bonus
Like I said, you should be spending this weekend either outside or streaming Independence Day. But here’s what’s coming out this weekend (Note, it’s a 4-day weekend WOOT! so box-office estimates and totals will include Friday through Monday):
The BFG ($463)
Man, it’s a good thing I don’t have kids. I’d be reading to them at night, and they’d be in their jammies, nestled in their little beds, and I’d go “And then the Big Fucking Giant turned to Sophie and said…” and then I’d be in trouble.
Anyway, this movie looks gorgeous and has generally positive reviews, coming in at 71% on the Tomatometer. It also has going for it Steven Spielberg and recent Oscar winner Mark Rylance. It also has the nostalgia factor of being a beloved children’s book. I don’t remember if I read this book or not, which means I was probably told to read this book by several people and I started it, but never finished it. Just like The Witches, James and the Giant Peach and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Unfortunately, Finding Dory is going to turn every other movie this weekend into fish food. The BFG is estimated to only make $19.5 million this weekend. With a steep price of $463 Bux, The BFG gives you an estimated $42k per Bux average. That is neither Big nor Fucking Giant.
Purge: Election Year ($336)
I think even if every crime were legal for one night, torturing and killing people is probably still low on my list of crimes I’d do during the Purge. I think I’d just steal stuff. I definitely wouldn’t be runnin’ around a’ murderin’ people. If the Purge were real, I’d just quit my job and spend the whole year planning the most elaborate heist to do during that night. The rest of the year, I’d live my life like Danny Ocean. Oh man, I kinda want the Purge to be real now. This guy’s got the right idea:
So, it looks like The Purge: Election Year is actually pretty good. It’s rated around 65%, which is pretty interesting because The Purge rated 37% and The Purge Anarchy rated 56%. But after reading a few reviews, it seems like maybe they managed to make the same kinda fun, but kinda dumb movie, but lucked into releasing it at a time when it seems pretty realistic that there would be an election to determine whether or not we get to run around and kill people with no consequences.
Good or bad, The Purge franchise has a pretty good track record at the box office. The first one opened to $34 million. The second Purge opened to $29 million two years ago. Estimates for the third Purge, or Thurge, come in around the same place as the other two, at $30 million. With a price of $336 Bux, that makes for an estimated average of $90k per Bux, which is pretty damn good. I’ll be voting for The Purge this weekend.
The Legend of Tarzan ($349)
This movie looks terrible. Like really, really bad. Don’t even go see this movie for all the Alexander Skarsgård shirtlessness. That’s what True Blood is for. That show has just as much terrible plot, lack of chemistry, over the top acting and bad CGI animals as this movie, but at least on True Blood you’ll get to see Skarsgård’s wang.
This movie comes in at 34% and I imagine by the time I post this, that’ll go down as even more bad reviews come in. Estimates are at around $23 million. That gives you an average of $66k per Bux. This legend should be forgotten.
Shade of the Week
Everyone have an awesome and safe 4th of July!